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Before you read further, I will say that this isn't a journal to seek sympathy from people who barely know me, in fact I don't expect that many people to comment on it even since they do not know me...but putting that aside, this is merely a means of expressing my thoughts and feelings about dealing with such a dreadful situation like this, where one of your closest family members has this horrible illness.


About two month's ago, my mother's skin was suddenly yellowing, visiting the doctor the following day after that discovery, it turns out that she most likely has jaundice and would need to visit the hospital for scans. The echo-scan (like what you use to look at babies in the stomach) indeed showed that it was jaundice and she would be treated for it. It however also revealed two spots on my mother's liver and they wanted to do an additional scan for that.

Her treatment occurred first however, the duct from her liver to the gallbladder was clogged which was why she was so yellow, they opened it up and slipped a tube into the duct to allow better flow from the liver to the gallbladder, that yellowing would reduce from then on. The extra scan came a few days later, the results were not given that same day however, it would take another week for those to be given out. I went with my mother to the hospital that following week to get the results, she went in alone while I waited outside with my brother who drove us to the hospital. The meeting with the doctor didn't take long, and when we left the hospital mom, rather casually, revealed that she had cancer.

At that moment, I'd say I felt my heart sink into depression, considering we were in public and went into the city afterwards, it was hard to keep my emotions in check...but I managed to do so, to not just break down in tears. Mom was different however, mom has always been more....acceptable with these kind of things so she wasn't down or depressed about it, she was rather optimistic actually and hopeful. She explained that the doctors would look it over on how to treat it, and also send the results down to specialists for that second opinion. It would take a week before they'd have results

It wasn't till I finally got home that day that I broke out in tears, finally alone and with no one around I allowed my emotions to take over...having chronic depression is one thing, but learning that your mother has cancer....that is such an emotional shock...it's something I would not ever wish anyone to experience it as well. The following day mom came over to cut my hair, and before she did we talked about her illness a bit, and I just couldn't help it anymore, I literally curled up against her side and broke down in tears on her shoulder. 

I've always been close to my mother, more so even then to my father. We always went to the store together, we talk daily and spend time together...basically, she's the world to me...something I am sure people can understand. And when I cried on her shoulder, she told me it would be okay, that she would fight it. She remained optimistic...and I guess her optimism in that did effect me....so within the time that followed, I tried to remain optimistic as well.

It wasn't until last week Thursday that she would finally get the results of those second opinions...and the news was...drastic, it turned out that mom has Gallbladder Cancer, a rare type of cancer of which there isn't much known about, not on how it is gained or how it can be effectively treated. In mom's case, it already spread from the gallbladder to her liver and even to her lungs. Within her liver there is a large tumor and chemo nor surgery will help anymore, it is just in a too advanced state. The fucked up thing? Jaundice is a LATE symptom of this cancer, and as jaundice itself isn't an illness directly linked to cancer in general, one would not expect that you're already too late.

It was that day that things started to decline, that day my mother seemed....weak, sure she had been tired before, had a bit of difficulty riding her bicycle but she managed still, so you wouldn't instantly think it was that bad...but it was, that day mom fell with her bike...and I partially blame my self for that, for letting her ride her bike...and though people, including my mother and my father say it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel guilty over it, it's hard not to...especially when you learn that the same fall causes her pain, that the same fall bruised her ribs.

It was from that thursday, that things declined...first the fall, the following day she could barely move, she had not been eating well, if at all and thus she was weak...and so very tired, which is another symptom of her cancer. Lack of hunger, being tired. Mom is diabetic, she needs food, lack of food is what made her fall, what made her so weak. But she has not been able to keep solid foods down, usually throwing up not long after. We're using smoothies and shakes now, liquid foods that will keep up her strength. Regardless, over that weekend, and the days following in up to today, her health has declined. she can barely move on her own, we arranged for a specialized bed, one of those you see in hospitals, so that she can stay in the loving room. We also arranged for a wheeled walker, and a wheelchair...and hell, even a special potty chair, since she just can't walk to the toilet anymore.

Too see this unfold before your eyes, to see someone you care and love for, your own family, your own mother whom you spend so much time with, to become so weak and in need of help with everything, from going to the toilet to needing to be washed...it hurts. I cannot even explain how much it hurts, and several times now I have broken down in tears, at my own home, and at their home..but never around m mother. I did that once, I will not do so again...because she is being as strong as she can be, and I need to be strong for her, no matter how hard it is...so I don't show my own weakness to her, next to her I remain strong so that she can fight to do the same...it's something we've all agreed upon, to be strong around her so that she does not have to worry about us...there's so much going on with her already, we do not dare to pile our worries on top of that with her.

Today, she seemed better, though still in pain it seemed less, guess those morphine patches finally start to kick in...the backdraw of a medicine that takes a few days to becoe really effective...but morphine patches are better for her right now then an IV which would only get in the way. She's been having her ups and downs, yesterday it seemed rather very down, but today was quite the opposite...and we can only hope that things will somewhat improve at least from her on out with the medication she is provided and the help and care that we, and others provide to her.

Ultimately however, we don't know how long she has, I'm pretty sure the doctors know but my mother did not want to know, she did not want to be counting the days like a literal deadline....and honestly I cannot blame her, to know you are going to die and to know when you are going to die...that's two completely different things, we all know our time will come one day, whether that be sooner or later, and my mom knows she will not last that long but...to know when you die, to have an estimate in that....that's just downright scary. To be counting the days off, like some kind of literal deadline...I don't blame her at all, I wouldn't want that either.

But still, for myself, to know that she wont have long on this world anymore, to be faced with the hard realization of that things will never be the same again, that we will never do things together again, be it simply going to the store, or going to the city....that's a pain that is indescribable..it is a pain I would grant even upon the people I hate, this whole feeling...it really is something no one should ever experience or go through, because it is a harsh reality, it's something that is so shocking and life changing..that I pray my friends will never have to experience this. 

All I can do now however, is to be there for my mother, to bite through my own pain and sorrow and to spend time with her as much as I can manage...I am thankful for my friends online, whom I can confide into. I may not have an actual shoulder to cry on, but to be able to spill my feelings to them, even if they are but words on a screen, it still helps me get through the day, and for that I am so very thankful.
  • Listening to: The Yogpod
  • Reading: The words on my screen.
  • Watching: Let's plays from Cryaotic (really, check him
  • Playing: Skyrim, Pokemon Black 2, The Walking Dead
  • Eating: Not much.
  • Drinking: A lot

deviantID

0NightHawk0
Oompa Loompa
Netherlands
Current Residence: Universe, Milky way, third rock from the sun, Europe, Netherlands =D
Favourite genre of music: Rock apparently, though I like most other genre's too...just no country please x.x
Operating System: Windows Vista
MP3 player of choice: iPod Nano
Wallpaper of choice: Any that suits my liking
Skin of choice: Fur? x3
Favourite cartoon character: Always did like Sky Lynx of Transformers
Personal Quote: Jack Sparrow: Now we're being followed by rocks. Never heard that before
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:iconeifiedraws:
EifieDraws Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch! :^)
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:icon0nighthawk0:
0NightHawk0 Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2016
You're very welcome!
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:icondeluwyrn:
Deluwyrn Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch!
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:icon0nighthawk0:
0NightHawk0 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2016
You're welcome!
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:iconhumphreylevine2014:
humphreylevine2014 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the watch :)
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:icontensa-zangitsu:
Tensa-Zangitsu Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Chibi Tensa Zangetsu by Tensa-Zangitsu  
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:icon0nighthawk0:
0NightHawk0 Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2016
You're welcome!
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:iconhassly:
Hassly Featured By Owner Edited Apr 15, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Hi,0Nigth! 
ThankYouWatchers by Hassly
thanks for the support!
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:icon0nighthawk0:
0NightHawk0 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2016
You're welcome!
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:iconbluericki:
BlueRicki Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2016
Nice stuff you have =3
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